Category Archives: ENEMIES! EGAD!

Close Encounters of the ENEMY kind!

So here’s a question. Who are the enemies of the humans? Well the humans are against basically everyone, from huge-ass snake thingies with four-way split mouths that like eating the flesh of fat people to even gianter-ass monsters that will crush your skull with their hands. That’s one reason why there are no fat people in the future. Yeah that’s right, there aren’t any. No, Jabba the Hut doesn’t count. No. But anyways, back to this. These huge as snake thingies are called elites.
So, why do they look like the way they do? As a matter of fact, the first elite was created by a threesum of the predator, a goat and velociraptor. How did they get these animals you ask? Well over several million years, the Elites have come to earth and abducted these creatures and cloned them. Yes predators live on earth. They may be watching you now O.O Though odd it may seem, it is true. If you don’t believe me, ask the nearest elite! I’m sure s/he’ll be happy to tell you.
Why did the Elites come to earth? They came in search of the last Twinkies. Due to the world becoming more “food aware”, they banned the production of Twinkies and when the Elites heard about this about 80% if their race got wiped out due to heart attacks, cardiac arrests and panic attacks. The reason there is a war is because the Elites want the recipe for the Twinkie and the Humans don’t want to give it up. Before there were Twinkies though, The Elites favorite food was any type of candy. As a matter of fact, the last time the Elites came there was a world shortage of candy. This was known as the Depression of the 1930’s.
The Brutes are a whole other category. They joined the war out of complete stupidity. They wanted the Peeps recipe. Who would think those huge, nasty, ape-like beasts would want to eat cute cuddly, yellow, baby blue or even pink colored marshmallow baby chickens?!?! I mean seriously!? Damn they’re dumb. At least Twinkies are worth it..
Grunts are really just midgets of the elite kind that have had a really bad case of the mumps. They are all kindergarten dropouts that accidentally glued their four-part mouths together after being hit in the face by a random frisbee due to their lack of eye-hand coordination. You also may have noticed that about 99% lack enough courage to match a baby gopher’s but there’s a perfectly good reason for that. When each of them were born, there mothers (being as drugged up as they were) accidentally cut off their wangs instead of their umbilical cords. So with the lack of their Johnsons and pridem they lost all of the courage they had. Quite a sad story.