Category Archives: All About SPARTANS!

Where do Spartans Live?

RUSSIA. They all live in Russia. That is why there are so many Russian badasses there. Another example is the Spetsnaz. We all know how well trained and ruthless they are. The crawl in pools of blood under barbed wire while live gunfire is 6 inches above them. Only few are selected out of the Spetsnaz to become Spartans though. As a matter of fact, that is where Chuck Norris became a Spartan. Except he walked through the blood on his hands, through the barbed wire while dodging bullets. The reason he was in Russia at that time was because back in America, the President wanted him to shave his beard because he was in the military. He received a roundhouse kick to the face. This was later known as the JFK assassination. Mr.T happens to also be a spartan.. Ever since ancient Sparta, and he still is today because he never ages. A reason they chose him to be a spartan was because he single handedly won World War 2 and after 2.3 seconds of being retired, he wanted to go cause more pain.

To become a Spartan you need to be able to:

-Break someone’s bones by staring at them.

-Run 10 miles in 10 minutes (that’s the equivalent of running 60mph for 10 minutes).

-Deepthroat a wiffleball bat.

– Be in at least 3 wars

-Live forever

-Have high alcohol tolerance.

– Shit out a minicooper

-Kill someone with a fart

-Do 50 pull-ups. With your dick.

So to answer your question straight, Spartans live in Russia.


Spartan Skills

Frequently, people ask me this one question, “How do Spartans do all their crazy shit and have that much skills?!”
Well, the truth is, they actually go into the matrix. They hook themselves up to these sweet computers and they learn all of their moves in a matter of seconds. But to get to those computers they have to go into the Ultrix. Which is an even deeper state of the Matrix. So there are basically three of every spartan. One not in the Matrix, one in the Matrix and one in the Ultrix. So it’s really just like real life Inception! Except not due to Copyright laws! So anyway, they go to the Ultrix (no one knows how except them of course). They learn crazy-ass moves (like how to dodge bullets and bend backward at a ninety degree angle while flailing their arms). And they come back out of that world as complete BAMFS and save the non-real world (because the real world is the Matrix). Got it?

How Spartans Pick-up Chicks

Spartans are not just the greatest soldiers in the futuristic world. They are also the greatest pick-up artists. They use all of the athletic skills and epic manliness that they’ve acquired throughout their life and use them to their advantage. They know exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. They are the Top Dog. Let’s take Chief for example. He has Cortana drooling over him. The way she reached out towards him at the end of Halo 3 when he almost fell out of the ship was not just to try and save him. It was definitely something different. She’s the type of A.I that loooove athletic ability. That’s why the Military chose Chief to go find Cortana. So that Cortana would be at Chief’s beck and call. Chief didn’t even have to try to get her, but oh yes, he got her. That is a full-proof example of how all Spartans are extreme pick-up artists.

The Spartans call it, "The Puma" to impress the ladies.

What do Spartans Pick Chicks up in?

Well, A Spartan doesn’t even need a vehicle to pick chicks up. He could carry the chick with one hand while lifting a 100 pound dumbbell with his pinky, on the same hand.
If a spartan were to use a vehicle, it could be anything. The range is unlimited. If he drove to her house in a clown car, she would still be all over him. If he came with a tank, as proven in Red Vs. Blue, it definitely is possible to pick up a girl.
Soooo, vehicles can be anything..

As for when and where, these factors do not matter. A Spartan could pick up a girl in a gas station, or an airport, hell, he could pick up a chick while he’s in combat.

Also, their high resistance to alcohol can leave them sober while the girls they picked up are drunk. And we all know what that means.

All of these factors prove that a Spartan is the greatest pick-up artist in the world. So the next time you see one, be respectful (so you don’t die by him crushing your throat with his mighty thighs) and lead him to the nearest girl.