Where do Spartans Live?

RUSSIA. They all live in Russia. That is why there are so many Russian badasses there. Another example is the Spetsnaz. We all know how well trained and ruthless they are. The crawl in pools of blood under barbed wire while live gunfire is 6 inches above them. Only few are selected out of the Spetsnaz to become Spartans though. As a matter of fact, that is where Chuck Norris became a Spartan. Except he walked through the blood on his hands, through the barbed wire while dodging bullets. The reason he was in Russia at that time was because back in America, the President wanted him to shave his beard because he was in the military. He received a roundhouse kick to the face. This was later known as the JFK assassination. Mr.T happens to also be a spartan.. Ever since ancient Sparta, and he still is today because he never ages. A reason they chose him to be a spartan was because he single handedly won World War 2 and after 2.3 seconds of being retired, he wanted to go cause more pain.

To become a Spartan you need to be able to:

-Break someone’s bones by staring at them.

-Run 10 miles in 10 minutes (that’s the equivalent of running 60mph for 10 minutes).

-Deepthroat a wiffleball bat.

– Be in at least 3 wars

-Live forever

-Have high alcohol tolerance.

– Shit out a minicooper

-Kill someone with a fart

-Do 50 pull-ups. With your dick.

So to answer your question straight, Spartans live in Russia.


Easter Eggs VS. “Spring Spheres”

I don’t know if you have heard of this but, some people are trying to change the name of Easter eggs. The reason for that is that they believe that it is too religious and that it offends people! They want to change it to, “Spring Spheres”! This really flares my temper because people always get their greedy little ways no matter what, even if it doesn’t make sense. The term, “Easter Eggs” has been around for a hundred years, or more! Now these stupid people want to change it? What’s wrong with them?


Forget about this rubbish up at the top. The members of TLEG and I would like to wish you all a Happy Easter! Go now! Eat vast quantities of candy, have and EASTER EGG hunt, hang out with your family. Go on a date with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Today is supposed to be a day of love. Go make some love baby! Yeaayuh!
I’m IJUSTOWNEDYOU11 and I approve this massage, and message.

Close Encounters of the ENEMY kind!

So here’s a question. Who are the enemies of the humans? Well the humans are against basically everyone, from huge-ass snake thingies with four-way split mouths that like eating the flesh of fat people to even gianter-ass monsters that will crush your skull with their hands. That’s one reason why there are no fat people in the future. Yeah that’s right, there aren’t any. No, Jabba the Hut doesn’t count. No. But anyways, back to this. These huge as snake thingies are called elites.
So, why do they look like the way they do? As a matter of fact, the first elite was created by a threesum of the predator, a goat and velociraptor. How did they get these animals you ask? Well over several million years, the Elites have come to earth and abducted these creatures and cloned them. Yes predators live on earth. They may be watching you now O.O Though odd it may seem, it is true. If you don’t believe me, ask the nearest elite! I’m sure s/he’ll be happy to tell you.
Why did the Elites come to earth? They came in search of the last Twinkies. Due to the world becoming more “food aware”, they banned the production of Twinkies and when the Elites heard about this about 80% if their race got wiped out due to heart attacks, cardiac arrests and panic attacks. The reason there is a war is because the Elites want the recipe for the Twinkie and the Humans don’t want to give it up. Before there were Twinkies though, The Elites favorite food was any type of candy. As a matter of fact, the last time the Elites came there was a world shortage of candy. This was known as the Depression of the 1930’s.
The Brutes are a whole other category. They joined the war out of complete stupidity. They wanted the Peeps recipe. Who would think those huge, nasty, ape-like beasts would want to eat cute cuddly, yellow, baby blue or even pink colored marshmallow baby chickens?!?! I mean seriously!? Damn they’re dumb. At least Twinkies are worth it..
Grunts are really just midgets of the elite kind that have had a really bad case of the mumps. They are all kindergarten dropouts that accidentally glued their four-part mouths together after being hit in the face by a random frisbee due to their lack of eye-hand coordination. You also may have noticed that about 99% lack enough courage to match a baby gopher’s but there’s a perfectly good reason for that. When each of them were born, there mothers (being as drugged up as they were) accidentally cut off their wangs instead of their umbilical cords. So with the lack of their Johnsons and pridem they lost all of the courage they had. Quite a sad story.

Today is a Good Day.

You know what today is? Today is a good day. A day full of wonders, happiness, and KILLING!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR. NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THE MASSIVE ONSLAUGHT OF THE TLEG TODAY. So if you see us, make sure you are very polite and kind, OR WE WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND USE THEM AS A LASSO TO STRANGLE YOU. Do not be afraid, all is well if you do not mouth off to us, T-bag us, or look at us.

You know, politeness shows the character of a person. If you are a very polite person, you are more than likely to be a good person. Unless you have schizophrenia. Then you gotta major screw loose. And it’s best that you’re not reading this if you do. So if you are, then i suggest you go read the official TLEG website to join us. All you have to do is subscribe or send Glasses Guy, WarLemur or IJUSTOWNEDYOU11 a message on xbox live.

So in conclusion, Today is a good day.

Spartan Skills

Frequently, people ask me this one question, “How do Spartans do all their crazy shit and have that much skills?!”
Well, the truth is, they actually go into the matrix. They hook themselves up to these sweet computers and they learn all of their moves in a matter of seconds. But to get to those computers they have to go into the Ultrix. Which is an even deeper state of the Matrix. So there are basically three of every spartan. One not in the Matrix, one in the Matrix and one in the Ultrix. So it’s really just like real life Inception! Except not due to Copyright laws! So anyway, they go to the Ultrix (no one knows how except them of course). They learn crazy-ass moves (like how to dodge bullets and bend backward at a ninety degree angle while flailing their arms). And they come back out of that world as complete BAMFS and save the non-real world (because the real world is the Matrix). Got it?

How Spartans Pick-up Chicks

Spartans are not just the greatest soldiers in the futuristic world. They are also the greatest pick-up artists. They use all of the athletic skills and epic manliness that they’ve acquired throughout their life and use them to their advantage. They know exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. They are the Top Dog. Let’s take Chief for example. He has Cortana drooling over him. The way she reached out towards him at the end of Halo 3 when he almost fell out of the ship was not just to try and save him. It was definitely something different. She’s the type of A.I that loooove athletic ability. That’s why the Military chose Chief to go find Cortana. So that Cortana would be at Chief’s beck and call. Chief didn’t even have to try to get her, but oh yes, he got her. That is a full-proof example of how all Spartans are extreme pick-up artists.

The Spartans call it, "The Puma" to impress the ladies.

What do Spartans Pick Chicks up in?

Well, A Spartan doesn’t even need a vehicle to pick chicks up. He could carry the chick with one hand while lifting a 100 pound dumbbell with his pinky, on the same hand.
If a spartan were to use a vehicle, it could be anything. The range is unlimited. If he drove to her house in a clown car, she would still be all over him. If he came with a tank, as proven in Red Vs. Blue, it definitely is possible to pick up a girl.
Soooo, vehicles can be anything..

As for when and where, these factors do not matter. A Spartan could pick up a girl in a gas station, or an airport, hell, he could pick up a chick while he’s in combat.

Also, their high resistance to alcohol can leave them sober while the girls they picked up are drunk. And we all know what that means.

All of these factors prove that a Spartan is the greatest pick-up artist in the world. So the next time you see one, be respectful (so you don’t die by him crushing your throat with his mighty thighs) and lead him to the nearest girl.


Hoooraaayyy! Vacation is a time of happiness and cheer and tons of Halo! Unfortunately though, Glasses Guy is going away to Williamsburg for the entire vacation!!!! He is just dying right now. Fortunately WarLemur is still around and we’ll be powning some major noobs!

Just some fun reading =D

I congratulate the people who made this for being so damn great. Kudos.